What do you do when you finally want to blog again and your site has “briefly shut down for scheduled maintenance?”
I wish I knew my heart better. Maybe if I spent more time with it, I would. I just read beautiful Taylor’s post about this and it hit me so hard on so many levels.
The age difference between Taylor and I isn’t huge, but it’s enough for me to look at where she’s at and see myself at that age. I would have written the exact same post when I was her age. Certainly there have been some differences in our lives; her trials and mine are not the same. And she actually made it to Edinburgh to live for awhile and I haven’t checked that off the list yet. 😉
That being said, it reminds me of how I used to blog so passionately and now… I just don’t.
Is this merely an indicator of a new phase of life or maturity? I used to love processing my situation through words and then sharing that journey and the inevitable discovery with the world. Now I don’t want to.
Am I bitter that sometimes my words were used against me? Am I jaded by the fact that the internet isn’t just full of friends but prowling enemies who pounce on posts never intended to harm? Maybe it’s as simple as self-protection.
Yet…I am realizing that I don’t value self-protection as much as I think I do. Or maybe it’s that I’m learning I shouldn’t value it as much as I really do. I know that is part of what convicted me so much when watching Cinderella in theaters last weekend. Ella is so kind and naive. As I watched her being manipulated onscreen, I was inwardly screaming “Stop! Girl! Wake up and get some SENSE!”
But at the same time, something inside asked “Why?”
I am torn between being the smartest person in the room (the one doing all of the strategizing in a self-protecting way) and being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means having motives so pure that yes, I will be opening myself up to the manipulators and mean girls, the dastardly bastards, etc. But I will be protected by justice in the end. Won’t I?
Would that level of kindness even be possible after being touched by the hubris of self-protection and nearly constant methodology?
My hope is that there’s some lovely flower of a middle ground. Of kindness and bravery that doesn’t break when touched by darkness because it knows what really lies therein. Of a strong fragility; an oxymoronic ability to be both vulnerable and open-hearted yet wise enough to side-step the vipers. Strong enough to behead them for those weaker than myself.
This self reflection is motivated by Taylor’s post, but it was also the pin that poked the over-full balloon. Turning 30 in a few months, reassessing my life’s trajectory (constantly), falling into so many beautiful stories and being reduced to revelatory tears again and again lead to this primal need to process.
Blogging is this beautiful hybrid of inward and outward processing. When genuine, it requires a great level of both open-hearted willingess to receive feedback and also a steely reserve to not be defined it.
Given my desire to find my middle ground, it seems to be the only venue for these thoughts after all.